So Over It. My Line In The Sand.

Bored. So over my sad, tragic back story.

I understand how this whole crummy story happened. Like so many other sad stories it comes down to someone else's lies, a horrible divorce and crazy situations in my family. Then there my life choices.  The lies, parental divorce, and prior psycho drama I lay the blame at the feet of my mother. While I have sympathy for her sad story, she is not let off the hook. My mother's inabilities as a human being and a mother has been felt by me, many family members, and my siblings. But let's scale it back a bit. It's not my mother's story. It is mine.  

Once upon a time there was this prideful Missouri farmer born in the 19th century who became an over controlling father of three girls in the 1920's. The middle daughter became an over controlling mother then a grandmother.  Her daughter grew up to be a scared crazy mother of a scared anxious daughter that resulted in another sad complicated childhood story. Thanks folks; I'll take it from here. It is time to draw a line through it and get on with the happier grown up story.  I need to see past the back story. It truly is past, but how to make me feel it. I have had the real pleasure of living as I choose for the last 12 years. Inside my consciousness it feels like it is still becoming.

This life began when I consciously stopped running from the many types of pain in my past.  I live in beauty and make myself look very hard at it's source.  Pleasure rarely appears without pain. Being depressed is like getting scheduled torture.  A depressed mind has a ready supply of ways to distract, complicate and under-achieve.  Any real recognition of goals and desires tends to bring out the demons and gremlins.  Add in a few natural complications like achieving them is a problem:  "Oh no...the inappropriate shame of it all, getting exactly what I wanted. And now the world revolves around me.  Such a scary vulnerable feeling.  My mother had assured me many times as a child this just was not the case at all.....because silly girl, it revolved around her. 

My life has worked out.  I see me and my husband making this life for us. Unfortunately this can be problematic for my little girl issues. They don't just fizzle away when I see hard evidence of our achievement everywhere. This has taken up so much of my time. It is confusing why I still have these episodes of low self esteem. Why must there be the return of rotten little girl hurts and periods of difficulty? 

Short, trite answer is:  The afflicted mind has a hard time living it's own dream. Time to learn. Time to move on and live in the light of the dream.